The Boot and the Baboon
by elfchicks
Summary: Read if you find insanity amusing. Rating for scary, insane moments. It has no point or plot.
1. Default Chapter

**The Boot and the Baboon**

_Saraman_

_Disclaimer: Obviously, LOTR is not mine. If it was, we would all be in big trouble! I love all of the characters dearly, but sometimes I just go crazy and everybody dies in the end. Here's my attempt at a serious story. (Side note: When I mentioned that the Fellowship was stoned from drinking beer, I meant that they drank so much that it was like being stoned from drugs. Besides, 'stoned' sounds so much better than boring old 'drunk'.) _

**Chapter I**

One day, Frodo disappeared. The Fellowship was visiting the Shire that very day, and when they noticed he was gone, they organized a search party that went all over the world. They didn't stop searching until they thought they saw him, but it was too late. They didn't see him. What they saw was a boot. A big boot. It walked (hopped) and talked just like Frodo. But that is where the resemblance stopped.

"Oh dear!" said the boot. "My name is Mr. Frodo. Don't you recognize me?" Everyone shook their heads no.

"Kind of resembles Gollum, if I have to say," put in Sam. "Though I don't believe that he could fit in there." He knocked on the boot.

"Nobody home," said Sam.

"Boot?" said Merry. "Did somebody say boot? Ha ha! Boots are so funny! He he! Did I just say boot? Oh, ha ha ha! That's so funny!" Merry fell to the ground and continued his laughing fest, much to the amusement of the others.

"Excuse me," said Pippin, breaking Merry from his fun. "BUT, WE'RE TRYING TO LOCATE FRODO, in case you hadn't noticed!" Merry's laughter came to a screeching halt.

"What?" he asked. "Who are we looking for?"

"We are asking this boot if he knows where Mr. Frodo is," replied Sam.

"Did you say boot?" asked Merry. He turned and saw the boot. "Ah, ha, ah, ha, ah, ha!" He convulsed with laughter.

"Meriodoc Brandybuck!" shrieked Gandalf. "Of all the nuisances in this world, you are the worst! How can we ask this boot anything if you make fun of it and hurt its feelings?"

"Oh," said Merry. "I'm sorry, Mr. Boot." His eyes went crazy. "Did I just say the b-word? Ah ha he ho har he ha ho!" Everyone and their dog rolled their eyes in exasperation and disgust.

"Mr. Boot," said Gandalf, ignoring Merry's annoying high-pitched laughter, "Have you seen Mr. Frodo?"

"I am Mr. Frodo," said the boot. "I've been turned into a boot by a magical spell. I don't know who did it."

"How about some lunch?" offered Pippin, not at all pleased by his friend's uproarious laughter. Someone picked up the boot, because he could not walk so fast by hopping. Then, they went to look for Mr. Frodo at Mt. Doom.

"But," said the boot, "I'm Mr. Frodo!"

"No, you're not," said Denethor. He swung past them on a vine and slammed into a tree.

"Denethor, Denethor, Denethor of the Jungle strong as he can be!" came the collective singing of the Fellowship. After the former steward had faked his death, he went as feral as a boar and relocated himself to the woods. After he lived on roots and berries for several full years, he took up swinging from vines. Soon, the voluptuous fur coat he sported had frayed into rags. People who saw him thought that he was a 'stupid, witless, jungle bum'. Actually, this statement described Denethor accurately.

"Hey folks," called Denethor in a voice that oddly resembled Goofy. "Har ha har, autopilot! Ha har ha! Oh, hello dad," he said, indicating Sam. "I'm so glad you came to my house to return my arm. I really need it! Har ha har!" Legolas shot him.

Then, the Fellowship took the boot to Mt. Doom and threw it in. Sadly enough, the boot had been telling the truth and he actually was Mr. Frodo. But the reason that the Fellowship had destroyed him was because he talked their ears off and said stupid things like, 'Frambolè', 'Ǽcrabtree, and 'fiancée'. He might have gone crazy towards the end, probably right before he hit the scorching lava. But also, Gandalf was sad because he thought that perhaps the boot might be Frodo. The only reason he didn't stop them was because he was afraid. And rightly so. If he would have spoken up, Aragorn, yes _the _daddy's girl himself, would have made everyone take a vote to see if they should lob Gandalf in the lava with the boot. And if that vote had been taken, I think the Fellowship would have unanimously decided to divest themselves of the pompous wizard. So, that was a very wise decision on the part of Gandalf. As the Fellowship came down from the top of the mountain, they saw a light in the distance. As they drew near, they realized that it was a pub. So after some discussion, they decided to go inside. They went in and ordered some beer, knocking back at least three pints per person. Then, they all got stoned and saw little white rabbits dancing before their eyes. But Merry and Pippin liked these rabbits and even named three of them. And also, the Hobbits kept right on drinking until they thought they saw a pretty little Hobbit lass. At the same time, Gimli felt that he was seeing two ugly Dwarf women running at him.

"A, ha, ha!" said the dwarf. "Kissy, kissy!" Merry and Pippin smooched the hobbit girl and Gimli kissed the ugly Dwarf women. Gimli's mind cleared first and he noticed that the ugly little Dwarf women had changed before his eyes into none other than Merry and Pippin.

"Ish caquin, I da rug nul!" shouted the dwarf, hitting them off with his burly fists.

"Man is she tough!" commented Merry, rubbing his head.

"She sure is," agreed Pippin, "but she kisses right well." Then, Gimli knocked them senseless and stormed away.

They booked rooms in the pub for the night, but what they didn't realize was that under one of the beds was a crab. Now this wasn't just any old crab, this crab had lived in the now destroyed boot for several years and as it fell into the fire, the crab managed to get out and cling on to the side of the mountain. And the crab was exceedingly livid about the destruction of his home. You see, when Frodo was first transformed into a boot, the crab had climbed inside when he was sleeping. When the boot woke up, it felt like something was tickling it. Then, it got real scared. It hipped and it hopped. It tried desperately to get away, but since the crab was inside, it couldn't get away. He took the crab with him wherever he went. Oh, the poor boot!

But after the crab escaped, he followed the Fellowship to the pub and was lying in wait under a bed to have his revenge. The Fellowship ambled sleepily into their room. As Legolas was about to fall into bed, the crab crawled out to begin his business. Legolas unknowingly stepped on the crab and squished him. And that's how the cookie crumbles!

"I just stepped on something!" shrieked Legolas. "It was all hard and prickly!" All eyes went to the floor. What they saw was a pile of red chips and some guts, obviously all that remained of the shell and the insides of the crab. And that was that.

Suffice it to say, the Fellowship never found Frodo. But the next day, an evil wizard turned almost everybody into cabbages and mushrooms. Legolas escaped, only to be transformed into a baboon. The cabbages rolled away, because that was all they could do. The mushrooms just sat there hoping they wouldn't get eaten by a hobbit, because that was all they could do. The baboon went to Mirkwood and sat looking stupidly at Thranduil, because that was all he could do.


	2. Chapter II

**Chapter II**

Now, as you would know if you happened to have read the previous chapter, more than likely, Legolas was the only member of the Fellowship that wasn't turned into a vegetable. The reason for this was that in all magic, one rule stood prominently above the rest: "When transforming creatures, Elves must not be turned into anything less noble than a baboon." So what did the evil wizard do: He did the exact worst he could do by transforming Legolas into a primate, a baboon to be specific. Though he had taken the form of a monkey, his mind had not altered at all. It was still as keen as it had been.

You can imagine the surprise on Thranduil's face when this baboon comes bounding into the throne room and more or less sits there staring at him. The first thing the king did was say:

"Shoo! Shoo monkey!" But Legolas gave him the puppy dog eyes, not exactly as cute as when a pup does it, but to basically the same effect.

"Awww," said Thranduil. "You're a nice monkey, aren't you?" Legolas nodded, wondering how he was going to explain that this 'monkey' his father was seeing was in reality, his own son. Maybe a game of charades would do the trick. Legolas balanced himself on his back legs and pantomimed shooting an arrow.

"Wow," said Thranduil. "What a smart monkey!" Legolas mentally sighed. This was going to try his patience. Legolas pretended to comb the long blonde hair he had previously possessed, in hopes of cluing his father off in that manner.

"Oh," cooed Thranduil. "He wants a wig! I'll bet he wants to have hair like I've got!" So he found a wig made from an Orc scalp that he had taken and put it on Legolas' head.

_Oh, _Legolas thought, _Take this thing off me right now! It stinks like Orc! _Legolas wasn't surprised that his father took enemy scalps. This had now become a long running tradition. For, as Legolas knew but not many other people, Thranduil was prone to succumb to passing bouts of insanity. When these occasions randomly popped up, Thranduil became very odd. In fact, he experienced a complete and total change of character. He believed himself to be Tisquantum, of the Potuxit Tribe. Even though scalping one's enemy was a French custom, Thranduil didn't know that. He thought the Indians had come up with it. And so, if he happened to be at war when his stability of mind crumbled, he would scalp his adversaries and make wigs out of the hair. Then, he would hang them from the ceiling of his throne room, to the absolute disgust of Legolas and the Mirkwood courtiers. And this is how Thranduil happened to have a spare wig lying around to bestow upon a wandering baboon.

But soon, Legolas grew weary of smelling the noxious scent of the wig, so he ripped it off his head and shredded it, tossing the bits and pieces of hair every which way. Thranduil was livid.

"Don't you know I take that scalp from Dark Hair, the great sachem of the Narragansetts?!" he bellowed. "The Potuxits are going to war!"

_Oh boy, _thought Legolas. _Here we go again. _Thranduil called in his attendants and ordered them to bring his war paint.

"When the stars wake from sleep," he said, "the mighty Potuxit Tribe will have brought to ruin the evil killer of the wig! Two Suns gifted it to me when I was a little kahuna. Kamehaha awikiniki la…" Thranduil began to sing.

The attendants were truly alarmed. Now Thranduil was convinced that he was Kameahmeah I from the Islands! What next? He donned one of his black Orc wigs and grasped a spear.

"I am King Kameahmeah I. Follow me my warriors, yahahahaha!" He scrambled to the fore, nearly trampling the baboon.

"Where are my warriors?" asked Thranduil. "Were they not here but a moment ago?"

"Here we are!" called the two attendants. They had grown used to Thranduil's intermittent insanity and were accustomed to playing along when it occurred. If they didn't, they might get speared.

"Ah, there you are Two Suns," said Thranduil. "Why are you not dressed for battle? Today the river will run red with the blood of the killer of wigs!" The servants hurriedly splashed some red pigment on their faces and ran around in circles hollering war chants.

Legolas stood by, taken aback by how badly the insanity had become. This was so entertaining! It was like watching a reenactment of the Battle of Little Bighorn. Thranduil ripped off his shirt and splattered some paint in the shape of a hand-print on his chest.

"I take the name Cokoum, because I have the strength of the bear!" Then, he began to chant and he also grabbed a buffalo head from somewhere and started bobbing it up and down in an almost serpentine manner.

"No boy, no note!" he cried suddenly, startling everyone from their dazed stupor. The attendants halted their Rain Dance.

"What are you doing?" asked Thranduil. "Why are you standing around when there is work to be done? And what do you have on your faces? What do you think you are, savages?! Back to your duties!" The attendants were used to this. No surprises anymore.

But enough said about the king's passing insanities! What about our dear Legolas, trapped in the body of a witless baboon?


	3. Chapter III

**Chapter III**

Well, back to our buddy Legolas the baboon. After Thranduil regained some semblance of his sanity, Legolas decided that it might be a good idea to write his father a note. He rummaged through a cupboard and found a pen and ink, and also some paper. He hurriedly scrawled some words with his flowing elvish script and handed the paper to a highly amused Thranduil.

"What's this?" asked the king. He took one look at the paper and his eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"Wha- Wha- Wha?" he began in astonishment. Then, he read the note. "It reads: Dyer Thranduil: My nag is Leggyloo- Legolas. I sam your sum, Leg-less. I have ban transferred into a bacon."

That's transformed, Legolas wanted to say. He knew that his father could not read so well without his lenses. You see, he lost them two weeks ago. Actually, they were solid glass. When Thranduil went to sit on his throne during the night, he forgot that he left his dentures on it, and, well, let's just say it wasn't pretty! He shrieked so loud and at just the right pitch that it shattered his lenses like a wine glass! But now, he didn't even take responsibility! If he was reading something and he misread several of the words, he would yell:

"Whoever wrote this needs to go back to elf daycare!" Several of the kingdom's best scribes were thrown back in with the tiny tots, where they learned to write all over again.

"What does this mean?" asked Thranduil. "Where's the bacon?" Legolas indicated himself and mouthed the word 'baboon'. Thranduil didn't have a clue.

"Do they eat monkeys for bacon where you come from?" he asked. Legolas seized the paper and wrote out the word 'baboon' much bolder and far bigger. Thranduil looked at it.

"Oh," he said. "You're a baboon. So I guess I was mistaken. How perfectly thrilling to meet a baboon!"

Legolas was glad that Thranduil didn't know what he was thinking. He might have seen that the baboon thought that he sounded very feminine when he said that last line. Presently, Legolas had a bright idea. He ran around the corner, grabbed a guard by the arm and hauled him in. Then, he handed him the note. The guard read it aloud.

"Dear Thranduil: My name is Legolas. I am your son, Legolas. I have been transformed into a baboon."

"What?" asked Thranduil, approaching the guard. "You are my son?" He enveloped the bewildered soldier in a tight embrace.

"After all these years!" he exulted. "You have finally returned to me! You look different, but I guess I've seen a baboon before that resembled you." The guard peeled the king's arms off of him, obviously offended.

"My lord," he said. "I believe the monkey wrote this note." Thranduil glanced down at Legolas.

"Oh," he said. "So you're Legolas. I was half-way hoping it was you. I always knew that if I had to compare you to any animal, it would be a baboon. Quite noble creatures, really." Legolas sighed and gave a 'what now?' gesture.

"Well," said Thranduil. "Oh guard, you are dismissed." The guard walked out.

"Not to go on vacation!" Thranduil called after him.

"Dang!" they heard from the hall. And then, another guard dragged the first one back into the throne room. He was now carrying a suitcase, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a lei, and he boasted a tourist camera around his neck.

"Hi," said the first guard. "I was just kickin' back- You know, takin' a five minute break. Did I forget to say, 'Aloha, dude'?"

"Not now, you neophyte!" railed Thranduil. "Can't you see that this baboon is prince Legolas?"

"Yeah!" said the guards. "But we still lovehim anyway." They bestowed a few welcoming pats upon the baboon.

But what no one knew was that Thranduil was the evil wizard in disguise. Not really. Actually, the evil wizard, his name was Todo Loamsdown of Hardbottle, yes folks, he was a Hobbit, had switched bodies with Thranduil and was just trying to make sure that teen heartthrob Legolas was always a baboon. But then, Legolas grabbed a whistle that one of the guards had and blew it thrice. Instantaneously, three cabbages rolled in the door. They rolled all the way up to the throne and sat there, because that was all they could do. Legolas gestured at the cabbages and wrote the word 'friends' on the paper. He then handed it to Thranduil/evil wizard.

"Oh!" exulted Thranduil. "Why they're your friends! How quaint!" Suddenly, the closet door on the eastern side of the hall began to grind open.

"No!" cried Thranduil/evil wizard, hurriedly firing an arrow from his longbow that penetrated the heavy wood of the door and secured it to the doorjamb. It was bolted fast! And then, they heard a slight grunting noise coming from the closet. Someone was pushing against it!

"It's me!" squeaked a tiny voice, muffled substantially by the broad timber of the door. "Please let me out!"

"Who's me?" called Legolas, feeling very stupid that he had never tried talking before.

"It's me, Thranduil!"


	4. Chapter IV

**Chapter IV**

Suddenly, an old leather boot came hopping in the door.

"I'm back!" it said. "It's a good thing for you cabbages and baboons that Mt. Doom was frozen over."

"It certainly is," agreed Legolas. "My cabbage friends would agree, I'm sure, if they could speak." The cabbages just sat there.

"But," continued the boot/Frodo, "where are the other members of the Fellowship?"

"They are common meadow mushrooms," said the baboon. "Perhaps they've become a Hobbit specialty by now."

"Oh well," said the boot. "What's that knocking noise in the closet?"

"It's me, Thranduil!" came the whiny voice again.

"I'm opening this closet!" said Legolas. He made towards the door.

"No!" cried Thranduil/evil wizard. He seized another arrow and fired it at Legolas. But our favorite baboon spun around, caught the arrow, grabbed his own bow, and shot Thranduil/evil wizard.

"Now I must join the great council fire of my fathers!" said the evil wizard/Thranduil. He fell over dead, all the while whooping like a Native American/Indian/Indian American/American Indian.

"Yay!" cheered the crowd. "The bad thing is dead!" Legolas wrenched the door open and saw a little hobbit.

"It's me, Thranduil!" he squeaked.

"Yes, we know that already," said Legolas. "I'm a baboon. And these are my cabbage and boot friends."

"Superb!" said Thranduil. "Now how are we going to change back?"

"I know!" said a voice. It was Gandalf! One of the cabbages had once again transformed into the wizard.

"I have been trying for weeks to find the right words," he said. "I searched for the words in all the tongues of Men, Elves, and Orcs. But, I finally realized that it was simpler than I thought. The words of the counter-spell were: 'Always use Istari White to keep your garments sparkling bright.' That simple."

Instantly, everyone turned into parrots.

"Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple!" they all chanted psychotically. Soon, it grew louder and louder and louder and faster and faster "Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple!" An attendant rushed in and stared, aghast.

"Would you please say something different?" he asked.

"Coconut, coconut, coconut!" they all chanted. The attendant ambled away muttering "It's all in your head. It's all in your head…" Presently, three more parrots flew in, chanting, "watermelon, watermelon, watermelon."

"That's it!" shouted one of the parrots. "Mellon!" Everyone turned into numerous exotic species of poison dart frogs.

"Ribbit," said Legolas, looking at himself in a mirror. "I'm blue! Auugh!"

"Hello Merry, Pippin, and Sam," greeted Frodo, quite pleased that he was a boot no more. "I'm glad to see you weren't eaten."

"Oh was it close," said Pippin. "Rosie Cotton was reaching for Sam the moment you turned us into parrots."

"She betrayed me," remarked Sam in disgust and disbelief. "She was going to eat her Sam. Doesn't she know her Sam?"

"I know," said Merry "How could she have not recognized you? You were the fattest mushroom around!"

"I'm gonna poison you," croaked Sam, hopping after a fleeing Meriodoc Brandybuck.

"Ah, I have it!" shouted a frog. "Bigwig!" All and sundry became trees.

"Yeah!" boomed Pippin, by far the largest tree of the bunch. "Now we can go pound Treebeard!"

"Let's go!" agreed Merry.

"Now don't be hasty, Master Meriodoc!" said Aragorn, waving a leafy hand at them. "Look down." Both of the eager Ents' eyes went down. They saw a woodcutter with a chainsaw!

"Ah ha ha ha!" said the logger, his eyes cone crazy.

"Half a moment," said Pippin. "I know that voice."

"It's me, Treebeard," said the logger. "I've been transformed by an ev-"

"We know," said everyone collectively.


	5. Chapter V

**A/N: To all whom it may concern: Thanks for waiting so long. I finally got around to updating. I regret to announce that this is the end. I'm going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell. Goodbye. : )**

**Chapter V**

"Well," said Treebeard, "I suppose that means that we're all in this together." Pippin nodded.

"Yes, we are."

"Dang," said Merry, "I was all set to get in a fight with Treebeard. I'd have liked to hear him call me a 'Little Orc' again! Ha!" Aragorn strode past him saying:

"The Ents are going to war!"

"Um…excuse me Mr. Aragorn," interjected Sam, "but who are we plannin' on goin' to war with?"

"Why," said Aragorn, as though it were obvious, "Of course, we're attacking renegade Lembas Salesman and Elven Telephone Repairmen! They're numerous this time of year!"

"You mean you want to go all the way to Lothlorien?" asked Gandalf. "Aren't we being a bit hasty?"

"Hasty?" said Aragorn. "Nonsense! Of course we should go to war with them! They're always knocking at your door, asking if-"

A loud knock sounded on the front door of the palace. Treebeard was near it, so he opened it.

"Please support the Elven Brownie Troop," said a voice. "Buy some Lembas!"

"Just what I always wanted!" cried Treebeard. "What kind of currency do you accept?"

"Oh, anything valuable," said the girl, "firewood and things like that."

"Firewood?" came the collective outburst. The girl nodded.

"Donations?" asked Treebeard, scanning the faces of the crowd of Ents.

"Hmm…well," said Gandalf, "I suppose I could sacrifice an arm…if it would help your Brownie troop."

"Now, that's the spirit!" said Treebeard. "Anyone else?"

"Alright, alright," said Legolas ruefully, "a leg."

"Excellent, excellent," said Treebeard, growing more excited. "Alms, alms for the poor!" In the end, everyone donated something. Treebeard readied his axe and chopped off all of the designated limbs. With these, he made a massive pile outside the door which he presented to the little girl, who in turn gave him the entire box of Lembas.

"Yay!" he cried, eating the whole mother lode in approximately 0.00218 seconds. All of the Ents felt ill-used. Legolas was truly leg-less. He was hopping about on one leg, regretting more every second his donation.

"Just be glad you didn't donate your head, laddie!" chuckled Gimli discreetly to Legolas.

"Aha!" said Gandalf. "I've found the right counter spell: "Tom Squash!" They all turned into Greeks and Trojans.

"AHHHH!" shrieked Legolas, hopping away.

"What's wrong?" asked Gimli, who had turned into Ajax.

"I don't know!" cried Legolas/Paris. "I think I'm a coward. I am a coward!"

"A coward is as a coward does," said Aragorn/Odysseus. "Everyone must play their part. You have your sword, I have my tricks!"

Gandalf/Priam saw a bird flitting gracefully outside the glassless window.

"Ahh!" he cried. "It is a sign from the gods! We're going to win this war!" Frodo and Sam were Tecton and Lysander, while Merry and Pippin were Eudoras and Patroclus. They proceeded to chase each other around the palace with their swords, fighting like crazy cats and dogs. And Treebeard was as pleased as a porcupine in a balloon shop to be Achilles.

"Now, this is more like it!" he said, sprinting after Paris, who climbed the telephone pole. While he was up there, he tapped the line, but no one was on it, so he was disappointed. Achilles paced the base of the telephone pole, glancing up occasionally, guarding the spot like a lion on the Savanna.

"You have to come down sometime, you sack of wine!" he called up to the treed Trojan.

"Ya wanna bet?" said Paris. Then, Achilles found a set of suspicious footprints.

"Mr. Poparoppacosky! Ha ha!" he said. Then, he ran off into the woods.

"Un volitide!" squeaked Priam, trying to catch the bird, but finding his efforts fruitless. Instantly, everyone turned back into their normal selves. Gandalf had inadvertently discovered the real counter spell.

"Who would have known it?" asked Gandalf. "It was in French!"

Legolas finally shinnied down from the telephone pole, hopping on his one remaining leg.

"This is going to cramp my style!" he moaned. But, he was growing rather skillful at hopping already, and his skills would only improve over time.

"Where is my father?" he asked. The closet door creaked open and Thranduil stepped out.

"Did you miss me?" he asked.

"Why were you in the closet?"

"I was hiding from your uncle," replied Thranduil, "but I had to see you again."

"Because you missed me?" asked Legolas.

"No, well, yes," said Thranduil. "But my parents are in town, and they want to meet you, and I want you to meet them."

"I've met them," said Legolas, "but, thank-you all the same." No changes in Thranduil's insanity, that's for sure.

And now, my friends, we've come to the end of this peculiar tale, but perhaps you'd like to know a few things more. Legolas was always one-legged, (That's why he was called Leg-less by his peers thereafter) but he still managed to enjoy all of the pastimes he had before the unfortunate incident with the avaricious Treebeard. Everyone else got along well. (Most had only donated a toe-nail or a little insignificant branch) And then, (Like a thousand years later) Legolas got a peg-leg, changed his look a bit, hopped a ship under the command of Captain Jack Sparrow, and changed his name to Will Turner. His favorite pastime, however, was to visit zoos and talk to the baboons. That was always the greatest for him, though Jack couldn't figure out what the heck he was doing!

**Finis**


End file.
